Re-Entry

My new friends in Guatemala prepared me. They said that “re-entry” would be difficult. They said that it would hit me at unusual times. They said that it would bring me to tears. They were right.

Within five minutes of returning home, at 1:30am on Palm Sunday, I was standing in the dark in my bedroom, weeping. It had been a long day of traveling, and I had every intention of quickly transitioning from doorway to pajamas to bed, and then, mid-step, I froze. As I stood still in the quiet of the night, with spring peepers offering a faint chirp in the background, I absorbed all of the comforts of my home. I felt the sturdy wood floor beneath my feet and remembered all of the people I had met who slept, every night, on a dirt floor. I felt the expanse of my bedroom, with vaulted ceilings and many windows, and I remembered the mud brick homes that I had entered, which – as beautiful and traditional as they were – reminded me of small caves. And I actually felt the conveniences in my life… a bathroom only steps away, a thermostat on the wall to control the heat, a stocked refrigerator downstairs, and light bulbs… lots and lots of lamps and recessed lights and nightlights which simply required the flip of a switch to illuminate an entire room. It was in that darkness, as I thought about Florinda and Daniel Pablo and Cayetana and Erwin and so many others, that I began to unravel. Yes… it happened that quickly.

So what is re-entry? Ever since I was 10 years old, in Ms. Weems’ 5th grade class, I have understood the concept of re-entry. I don’t remember much from that year (other than being the girl winner of the multiplication contest and earning dinner at China Blossom with the teacher and boy winner, David Natoli), but I do remember this. Ms. Weems told a story about a friend of hers who had traveled to a poor area of Mexico to do volunteer work. She explained that, when the friend returned home for the holidays, she burst into tears as family members tore through wrapping paper to open Christmas gifts. Her friend was not just sad to think that the people she had met in Mexico would not have gifts to open, but she was overcome by the symbolism of the wrapping paper, knowing full well that such beautiful paper would be valued and treasured by the poor people she served. The image stuck in my head for, well… more than 30 years. I have often envisioned a small brown child, much like my own Will, slowly and meticulously unwrapping a small gift so that the paper could be saved for another special occasion. That’s re-entry. It’s the realization that what you left behind is not at all like what you experience at home… and it is the sadness, the guilt, the anger, the hope, and all of the other emotions that fill your soul and cause you to stop in your tracks and just let it wash over you… like being overcome by a great big wave on an otherwise calm seas day.

I think I may have been wrong in an earlier post. I wrote that, because of the kinds of work that I do, this trip was not as much life-changing as it was life-affirming. As I now have had some time to reflect, I realize that, indeed, it did change me. I am feeling a bit Zen… whatever that means. I am hugging and praising and valuing my kids more. I am treasuring my time – and my life - with Jay. I am thinking more deeply and acting less quickly. I am praying more than I have in a long time. I am feeling more comfortable, and perhaps even content, in my skin. I am feeling valued and validated. I am feeling blessed and grateful to a higher degree. Good changes… every one of them.

And so, when can I expect this re-entry phase to come to a close? Time will only tell, but – for lots of reasons – I would like it to stick with me for a while. I hope that certain sights and sounds and smells bring me back, if only for a moment, to the land that I have come to love… a land of extreme poverty and intense pride… a land of culture and tradition… a land whose people exude warmth and gratitude and honor.

With my “orientation” now complete, I can hardly wait to return and be put to work by my new Mayan Families friends. Oh how I’d love to make this an annual trip. And I’d love to bring Jay and the kids. And I’d love to stay for a month and do a Spanish immersion program. And I’d love to build an Onil stove. And I’d love to bring a supply of basketball uniforms for the free sports program. And I’d love to pick avocados with Juana in Tierra Linda. And I’d love to create a garden in Chuk Muk with Louise. And I’d love to secure space for a community garden in Pana with Sue. And I’d love to build a community center in El Barranco. And I’d love to create a transitional living program for the kids in the San Andres orphanage who will be put out on the street at age 15. It’s such a blessing to have so many opportunities to make a difference.

Like I have carried the Ms. Weems story with me for all of these years, I hope that you will carry my story. When you have that quiet moment, perhaps also in the darkness of the night, I pray that you will think about the bounty of your life and tip your hat in gratitude. And, if you feel so inspired, consider your next opportunity to serve and be ready to pay the toll.

Feeling abundantly blessed,

Beth

Day 7

Icing on the cake... There surely isn't a more perfect example of this common expression than what I experienced tonight. My week in Guatemala has been a 10+. It exceeded all of my expectations and has left me full of joy. And yet, tonight, as we arrived in Guatemala City to prepare for our Saturday departure back to the States, it got even better.

After 5 years, I was reunited with Will's Birthmother and his Foster Mother. Ever since taking a photo with Maria and Martha, I have called our trio Las Tres Madres ~ The Three Mothers. Maria is his mother by birth, Martha is his "primera madre" (or first mother), and I am his forever mother. The three of us make quite a team.

In Guatemala, it is fairly uncommon to have the opportunity to meet your child's birthmother, so I feel humbled and honored to have met Maria twice. I can't quite explain how it feels to hold the person who gave your child life. With every extra squeeze, I tried to communicate my love, my gratitude, and my respect for her. This very special woman provided the missing piece to our family. And her words and expressions proved to me that she felt comfort in her decision, despite the deep loss. Maria will always be a part of our family, and I look forward to the day when we can travel as a family, along with Will's birthsister's family, to see her.

Will's Foster Family is as sweet as they were when we first met them in 2004. I can't express how comforting it is to know that he felt loved and safe during his first 8 months in Guatemala. I remember watching his Foster Dad, Bayardo, tossing him into the air as Will giggled with glee. They prepared him to transition into his new life with his new family - our family - and I know for sure that the love that they showed him then still blossoms inside his heart.

I'm feeling a bit lightheaded now, and it's no wonder with all of the emotions that are buzzing through my head. I can hardly wait to get home to Jay and the kids, and yet I already miss the new friends that I'll be leaving behind. The staff at Mayan Families sits on top of top notch. They are exceptional... extraordinary... remarkable. I was honored to observe them in their element and lend a helping hand when I could. This trip certainly felt like an Orientation to me, which leads me to believe that a return tip might be in my not too distant future.

I hope that you've enjoyed sharing this journey with me, and I hope that it might inspire you to take a step outside of your comfort zone and serve others in a way that is meaningful to you. My Guatemala may be your (fill in the blank here).

I am now convinced that, on your life journey, you must stop every so often and pay the toll. Your toll may be as simple as sharing something you no longer need or as complex as a trip to a faraway land to help the less fortunate. Exact change is not required... Just follow your heart, and it will lead the way.

Signing off from Guatemala,

Beth

Day 6

I love "full circle" moments, and - as you can see from the photo - I had one of those today. Last fall, a dear pal of mine called to ask if I could help with a project. She and some of her fellow soccer moms wondered what they could do with their children's blue soccer uniforms after the league switched to Tewksbury red. Knowing that I can often find homes for "used but usable" items, she asked if I would find someone who could use uniforms if we were to do a collection. I jumped at the opportunity to send them to Guatemala.

Needless to say, the Tewksubry Blues collection was a great success. And, not only did our generous families offer their uniforms, but many donated gently used cleats and shin guards as well. I shipped the uniforms to Mayan Families as part of the Christmas shipment last October and, today, before my very eyes, I watched Tewksbury South play ball. And what a treat it was.

The uniforms were donated to a free sports program which is run by a retired American gentleman, named Willie, who has lived in Guatemala for the past seven years. Seeing the need for organized sports, Willie created a program that runs much like ours in the US. Children register to participate and must have parental consent and show a birth certificate. Of course, this program is free, since many of the families cannot even afford to register their children for school, never mind sports. Willie manages the program with a host of volunteers who coach soccer, basketball, and swimming. (He was able to convince a local hotel to offer their pool for one hour each day, five days each week.) The program continues to grow, but it stands at nearly 500 children today.

Because the program is free, there is no budget for uniforms or sporting equipment. Willie was overjoyed when he learned that a little town in Massachusetts was coming to the rescue. He is such a dear man, and it is clear that he cares so deeply for the children. He introduced many of them to me by name and shared stories of each. One of his favorite children is a young boy who appears to be eight or nine years old. Because of his family's extreme poverty, the boy works at a local restaurant rather than attending school. This sports program is an escape from the life he normally leads.

It is wonderful to know that the uniforms are being used several times each week by hundreds of players. Rather than distribute them (and fear that they not be returned), Willie's coaches bring them to each game, distribute them according to size, and wash them after each use. By doing this, the uniforms will be available for many years to come.

As you can imagine, watching the children play in their Tewksbury Blues was magical. I remember counting and rolling and banding each and every one, and I now realize that I have touched each child that wears one in a very real way. What a perfect example of one community reaching out to help another.

P.S. to the soccer story... Scroll up to see the dilapidated ladder in the photo. I had to climb down that ladder backwards in order to reach the soccer field. Adventure!!!!

The other highlight of the day was assembling and distributing Semana Santa baskets. These baskets feed a 10 person family and consist of a chicken, carrots, green beans, sugar, mosh, incaparina, a pineapple, sweet breads, and chocolate. It's all the makings of a traditional Easter meal. Supporters of Mayan Families purchase these baskets for their sponsored children or for general distribution at a cost of $35 each, and families in need line up outside the door to request one... as if they are waiting to purchase front row tickets to the best concert of the year.

Back at Mayan Families...

Today, I helped to create more than 450 baskets, but it was passing them out that was the most fun. Many of the women brought pieces of traditional Mayan fabric to wrap their basket and carry it on their heads. Each of them expressed genuine thanks, and many stopped to offer a hug and a squeeze too. This week, I have been among a great people... warm and loving and thoughtful and proud.

I feel so entirely grateful to all of my pals who participated in my jewelry fundraiser and also those who generously offered funding for this project. Together, we raised over $800 which purchased 24 baskets for general distribution and which fed around 240 people. Now that's something to feel good about!

And so, this was our final full day in Pana, and we'll be traveling back to Guatemala City tomorrow. What a great finale to an absolutely awesome experience.

Thanks for sharing my day.

Your friend in service,

Beth

Day 5

I am reminded each and every day how blessed I am to have such kind and generous friends. As I began planning this adventure, my friends expressed their enthusiam and encouragement, and many of them even offered some resources of their own to share with the people of Guatemala. One specific offering made the picture you see here possible.

Cayetana is one of the sweetest souls you could ever meet. Her body may be small and frail, but this woman is strength defined. We believe that she is in her eighties, and we know for sure that she has lovingly cared for her two disabled daughters for more than 50 years.

I met Cayetana through pictures quite some time ago, and - today - I had the pleasure of embracing her and sharing some love from a friend. That friend popped by my house last Friday and quietly slipped some money into my hand and ensured me that I'd know how to spend it when I arrived in Guatemala. And, sure as she said, I did.

With no other family support, Cayetana walks the hill from San Jorge La Laguna each day with her blind daughter and she begs by the side of the main road to Pana. Her second daughter, who appears to have Downs Syndrome, stays in their home and waits from her mother and sister to return... perhaps with enough quetzales to buy a small supply of food. Well, today, Cayetana received a surprise visit from a gringo bearing gifts... and that gringo was me. Through our pals at Mayan Families, we delivered a large sack of food containing rice, beans, sugar, protein fortified cereal, eggs, and more. I felt unworthy as she kissed my hands in thanks, but I'll be sure to pass it along to the rightful owner when I return home. There is no doubt that my sweet new friend and her daughters are sleeping with full bellies tonight.

After visiting Cayetana, we continued on our journey to visit a pre-school and elementary school in San Jorge. Again, thanks to my friends, I continued my role as Santa Claus and distributed more than 100 beanie babies, toothbrushes, and toothpastes to several classrooms. The excitement in their eyes when they heard that we had brought "regalos pequenos" (small gifts) was sparkling, and their gratitude, as we shared the gifts, was genuine and sweet. There's nothing better than being a kid magnet, and I enjoyed every second.

I spent the afternoon visiting the homes of sponsored children and witnessing the pride that these families have in their homes and the very few items that they possess. One two room house that we visited slept thirteen people. It reminded me of my mother's stories of growing up in McLarenville with six sisters sharing the attic... but that was 60 years ago. It seems so hard to believe that people still live without electricity and plumbing, and that they fashion roof-top forts to house those who don't fit within, but that is indeed the norm here. And yet, their smiles are wide, their dignity intact, and their spirits still seem to soar. It's a kind of inner strength that I will surely try to summon when I return to my daily routine.

Late this afternoon, I had the pleasure of observing my brother, David, meet his sponsored student, also named David, for the very first time. Little David is 7 years old and has just started the first grade. His age is deceiving, as he is the size of an average 5 year old by US standards. Little David's mother is recovering from a respiratory disease which claimed a part of one lung and was likely caused by overexposure to smoke from cooking over an open fire. She is not able to work at this time, and yet she has six children to support. Thanks to (big) David's generosity, she is able to send her little guy to school, and she will be able to take care of some household expenses while she continues to recover. Think of a time when you were feeling down and out and someone lent a helping hand... that's what David's mama and Cayetana and quite a few other people we visited today are feeling tonight.

We finished our day with a visit to Casa Hogar Feliz in San Andres. This is an orphanage for children from ages 4-14 who have either been abandoned or come from such abusive situations that they are pulled out of their homes and find refuge here. The children were delightful and were so happy to receive jumpropes, sidewalk chalk, books, and other new toys. But we drove away feeling uneasy because it was clear that many of the children are fast approaching age 15, when they will literally be thrown out into the street because they have "aged out" of the system. What must it do to the psyche to suffer a horrific family life, then be nurtured in this safe and loving environment, and then to be forced out of the only place that they had truly called home? Our dreamers at Mayan Families hope to, one day, offer these young people housing and an opportunity to learn a trade, which will provide them with a bridge into adulthood. These are the kind of "hand-up" opportunities that MF coordinates with help from their friends.

It took a phonecall tonight with the Jayman to dig deep into this experience. I could feel his love and joy as he told me with such sincerity how happy he was that my trip was going so perfectly well. But what we realized during our conversation is that this trip, for me at least, is not life changing, but - instead - it is life affirming. For many years now, I've been doing this kind of work on a small scale... coordinating school or church or commuity projects that lift up someone in need. So, I guess what I've now confirmed is that I'm on the right road, in the middle of my journey, and that I should stay the course. This is my life's work... it's my calling... and it's what I'm meant to be.

With excitement on the horizon for tomorrow - our last full day in Pana - I wish you a day in which you too feel the love and support of those you hold dear.

Abrazos,

Solamente Beth

Day 2

Today was our first full day in Guatemala, and it was incredible. How is it possible that I already feel at home here? The people we've met have become fast friends, and it's no wonder. We are like-minded souls who feel a true calling to the work that we do. Now this is what I call a team sport.

If I do say so myself, I'm communicating quite well "en espanol." From the archives of my High School Spanish class memory, I'm retrieving nowns and verbs that I thought I'd never recall. And, better yet, I'm practically speaking in complete sentences... with properly conjugated verbs, nonetheless. When I get home, be sure to ask me how to say "How much do four of these cost?"

Today, we visited the Sunday marketplace in Chichi and it was an experience I'll never forget. David stuck out like a sore thumb as a tall gringo amidst the shorter statured Maya, and that made him quite the magnet for salespeople. I'm guessing the youngest seller was about 5 years old with the average age probably ranging from 8-10. It was hard to not buy something from everyone. That said, I think David did actually do so. If you are in the market for chicken potholders, he's your man.

After Chichi, we returned to Pana and visited the Mayan Families headquarters for the very first time. I finally was able to see the place where our boxes are delivered. I can only imagine how I'll feel the next time a Medrano Express truck pulls away from Captain Circle, because I now have the full picture of their ultimate destination. And today, not only did I see it, but I was blessed with the experience of distributing some of those donations. The level of gratitude expressed by the warm people I met today is as genuine and true as it ever gets. I felt it... inside and out.

And how can you top a day like today? It's hard to do, but I'll tell you how in just one word.... chickens!!! I can't quite explain why passing out live chicks makes me jump for joy, but it does... it really, really does. I've been excited about it for the past two weeks, when I learned it was on the MF agenda during our visit, and it lived up to my expectations, and more. We provided 20 families with 10 chicks each and a bag of chicken food to keep them healthy. The women brought baskets and boxes and bags with which to carry their chicks home, and it was a sight to behold. Many women walked away with their containers of chicks balancing on their heads. Still haven't quite figured out how they do that, but I'm compiling a list of things I've seen on heads and chicks and bundles of firewood are in the running for most challenging and interesting.

We ended our time at Mayan Families today meeting with Sharon, one of the co-founders. She, my friends, is remarkable. She is everything that a good non-profit needs, and more. I loved watching her with the children, ensuring that everyone got what they needed and that the big brother of a newborn baby had a few things to bring home to his new sister. I loved watching her bathe a week old kitten with a cloth and warm water as we were discussing our plans for the week... and how she checked the temperature of the kitten formula with her pinky finger to make sure that it was just right. It is that same level of love and warmth and kindness and respect for all things that makes Mayan Families so special to this community and to so many of us who support it from across the miles. I am simply in awe.

Tomorrow, we hope to visit Tierra Linda, and it is quite possible that I will be able to meet Florinda Ben Ben, the 10 year old girl sponsored by our church. We spent some time this evening sorting donations and preparing to deliver them tomorrow. Lots of wonderful things to share, thanks to the generosity of our family and friends.

Hasta manana,

Solamente Beth

Day 1

Bienvenidos a Guatemala! After an incredibly long travel day, we have arrived in Panajachel and it is wonderful. The sun was setting over the lake as we drove into town, and the heat of the day made for beautifully colored haze. I imagine that the blue waters will look even better when we see them tomorrow, but the hues this evening were spectacular. We hear that the locals felt the rumblings of a 5.something earthquake today, but I'm guessing it happened before we landed. Might make for an exciting week.

Our airport experience was made much longer due to many mission teams joining us on our flight. Unfortunately, the eye doctors claimed their luggage before ours rolled out and we were forced to wait for a very long time in the scanner line as customs checked each and every piece of their medical equipment. Why they wouldn't instead make a FAST PASS lane for those bringing much needed supplies to the neediest of the needy in this nation is beyond me, and I think those waiting behind me in line would agree.

We stopped at the former Marriott to freshen up and have lunch before our 2.5 hour ride to Pana, and the level of emotion that I felt when I walked through the door caught me by surprise. I sat on the couch where I first met and held Will as a four month old, and I got a little teary. I remember exactly where his Foster Parents sat, and I recalled Bayardo tossing him into the air and Will giggling with delight. How blessed Will was to have felt such love at every stage of his young life. It warms my heart enormously, yet it also reminds me that we missed eight months with him. I hope that he can, someday, come to terms with his unique journey into our family.

In my short time here, I am surrounded by Will look-a-likes. It's hard to describe, but - in the States - people are "mixes" of so many different nationalities, and so they are easier to differentiate. Here in GUA, a very large percentage of the population is 100% Indigenous Mayan Indian, just like Will. And so, I swear I've seen him - or bigger or smaller versions of him - at least 100 times.

I'm coping right now with what Will's life would have been like had he been raised by his Birthmom in Guatemala. I say coping, because it's hard to describe the feeling. I live with significant guilt for taking him from his homeland, and I feel grief for the loss of his Birthmother in his life. At the same time, I can't imagine not being Will's Mother. He is every bit "my own." I love him so deeply and know in my soul that his life as a McFadyen will provide him with more love, and more security, and more opportunity than he would have known otherwise. But, I think it's my profound love for Will that makes me feel the deep ache of the losses in his life... perhaps before even he feels them. The rollercoaster ride begins...

In the morning, we're off to Chichicastanango to experience the Sunday marketplace. It's an hour drive from here, but it will be worth the trip. And then, we're back to Mayan Families for a mission highlight (for me).... the distribution of chickens!!! If we can figure out the photo upload, I'll post pictures tomorrow. For now, I'm off to bed, having not slept since Thursday night.

P.S. Don't tell David, but I'm loving having him here with me, and the bozo is already proving more valuable than me. It's like high school all over again. :)

Buenas Tardes Mis Amigos!

Faith First

Dear God,

Ever since I was a child, I have felt your presence in a very real way. And, through the years, my Faith and my convictions have become all the stronger as I have grown to be a better Christian. You have given me great teachers… wise grandparents, generous parents, a thoughtful brother, and perhaps the most loving partner the world has ever known. You’ve made it easy for me to give back, because you’ve provided me with so much. Tomorrow, I dive Faith First into an entirely new experience, and I’m counting on you to guide me on my journey to Guatemala.

Lead Me… when I’m feeling scared or vulnerable. Help me to make wise choices, and caution me not to take risks that could put me in harm’s way.

Follow Me… when I am full of joy and doing your work. Know that you have created me not only to serve others but to inspire similar journeys that, at this moment, may only be a thought the size of a mustard seed.

Carry Me… when I feel overcome by sadness and guilt for those whom I cannot help. Blanket me with comfort in knowing that I am just one of your missionaries and that others will rise when they too feel called by you.

Dear Lord, bless my sweet family and open our children’s hearts and minds to a life of service. May they show kindness to friends and strangers, and may they live by your sacred words… “Love One Another.”

And so, the journey begins… Thank you for this day and for the days to come.

AMEN